8 Absurd clothing items that actually exist

1. Cropped sleeveless sweaters

I don't understand the juxtaposition between fabric and season: If you were to wear this in the summer you'd sweat like you're early to the menopause party, and if you were to wear it in the winter, you'd have to layer it with an item with sleeves, which would then turn it into a sweater — so why not just wear a sweater?

2. Any clothing with tiny or no pockets

I'm not sure which is more cruel: Teeny tiny pockets you can't fit anything into or a fake pocket you don't realize is fake until you try to use it and look like you're feeling yourself up. What's worse: The fancier the garment, the more likely the pocket is strictly decoration. I'm sorry, but if I'm going to spend a fortune on a piece of clothing, I want my pocket!

3. Dry clean-only sweatpants

?!?!?!?!?!!!! They're too fancy to wear around the house, yet not fancy enough to wear to a party — oh no I've gone cross-eyed.

4. Booty Pop underwear

These padded undies add some serious junk to your trunk. You know, because women want nothing more than to walk around looking like they're wearing a (full) adult diaper.

5. Open-toed winter boots

I don't get it. I really, really, really don't get it. Why (literally) leave your toes out in the cold like that? And if you need to take them off at any point, you're now the weirdo who isn't wearing socks in the middle of winter.

6. A wine rack bra

Silicone be damned! Now you can make your boobs look bigger and get drunk whenever you feel like it! Yep, just fill this sports bra with your bevvy of choice and party on.

7. An emergency bra

Image credit: Emergency Bra

I suppose this emergency bra, which converts into a protective face mask, would work in a post-apocalyptic world where there are zombies and vampires and anthrax and whatnot, but I can barely take off a normal bra without injuring myself. Plus, there's the much simpler option of carrying a regular face mask in your purse while wearing a regular bra and leading a regular life.

8. Smittens

A red, heart-shaped mitten for two. (I wish I were joking.) If he actually goes down the street with you in one of these and doesn't throw up, marry him. Like, right now. I'll be the bridesmaid in the pocketless dress, fake ass and bra fit for Armageddon.

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